My blog...a glimpse into the meanderings of my mind.

I don't know

Over the past week I've had a lot of time to think (something bout 12 hrs alone in a car will do that...). Now I know that some of you who know me well are starting to say "uhoh" and "what now?" Thankfully none of the thinking that occured should have you worried. However, much of the thought processes have been more analytical and reflective.

I did my best to set aside all the mental gyrations, misgivings, feelings, and such that usually factor into my odd frame of thinking, and then just step outside my "life" and take a look at what's going on. I pondered where I am, how I got there, and why. I conisdered things I've done and said, the events that ultimately led up to those, and tried to determine the best course of action to remedy things that needed to be so.

I saw how I let things from my past (feelings, events, etc) dictate my future, and thus propel me back into the same feelings, etc. that I sought to avoid. I also thought over all the events in the past few months that have put me into the position that I'm now in. And how not only my actions, but also the actions of others has directed me into this spot.

All this thinking, I saw it. It all made sense. I totally understand and can follow what logic there has been in everything. I looked back and saw how little things went undealt with and pushed aside until they became major problems. I saw how each decision, no matter how minute, has in some way, shape, form or fashion affected my life and the lives of those around me. I saw all this. Some of it hurt to see, b/c I knew the pain it caused me or people close to me. Some of it I saw and would gladly do again.

Yet amid all this reflecting I came away with one central thought: "I don't know." Yes I know seems odd to say it, since I said I understood it all, but it doesn't just apply to that...

I don't know where I'd be without the people closest to me, and who have over many, many occasions (whether I noticed or knew or not) proved their concern, care and love for me.

I don't know what life would be like if I could go back and change but one or two small tiny things.

I don't know where all this is headed.

I don't know why people put up with me sometimes.

I don't know how I got this far.

I don't know...there's just so much...

No matter how much I think about it there will be mysteries--things that I completely do not and will not understand. However there is one thing I know for a fact: I am more grateful than I could ever express with word or action to those of you who have been there for me, and have done everything you could to help out. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. It has not gone unnoticed, and will not ever be forgotten.

posted by CEM @ 8:16 PM 1 comments